It's the monotony of it. Going through each day expecting something to be different, but it's always the same. I do my nothings and my nothings and. The cycle starts back up and resets. Yet, I always hope for a something. Some kind of thing that will break the chain of nothings. It doesn't happen. I occupy my mind just enough to trick it into thinking it's content with it's nothings. That when this nothing is done, there will be another. This goes on until the night. When the sun sets, there's an absence of nothings. And in this absence, I'm left to myself. My mind scrambles to occupy itself. Flooding itself with countless memories. It fills to the brim with "What if?" and the infinite possibilities. I spend the days thinking that I've won. That I've accomplished something, no matter how mundane it may seem, it matters to me. But at night, I am left to wonder. Did I win?
I suppose it doesn't matter. Not in a cynical, apathetic manner. But more so as in "there's no point in getting mad at a red light because you can't change it" sort of way. There are some thing that just aren't in your control. As much as you want things to be, it just isn't some times. But thinking like this only makes question when I actually am in control of what happens. I sit and I think. I'm always thinking about the next thing, even before I realise I am thinking about it. I hate it. I over think everything and it makes me not want to think at all. Of course, that's not a choice. I think whether I want to or not. That's the way it is.
I do things for everyone else. I'm always thinking of the next thing I can do for other people. It just comes naturally. The giving. I give people my everything. I always give everyone my 100% whenever I do anything. I'm always truthful with others. But that's where it gets confusing. I don't know how to be truthful with myself. I just give. There are no second thoughts. But with me? I can't seem to go forward. I give myself nothing. No benefit of the doubt. No slack. No mercy. I'm the first to point out my own faults. It's the way it is. I don't know any other way. When I'm through giving my 100% to everyone else, there's nothing left for me. That's it.