day 83 of self-healing journaling, courtesy of @the.holistic.psychologist
and her work.
daily affirmation: i am still learning to love myself.
lately, i’ve been thinking about how the core of so much of my anxiety and my personal struggle stems from the cruelty and lack of compassion i extend to myself. i am my own worst bully. it isn’t something i am consciously aware of, but when i investigate my fears and anxieties, i realize that so much of this comes from a deeply held belief that i am too much, too difficult, too needy—not just to other people, but even to myself.
i regularly fantasize about being someone else. some days, i want nothing more than to wake up in a different skin, with a different life. i want to be more fun, freer in my creativity and expressiveness, more adventurous in my risk-taking.
but i wake up each day in this body, this skin, this life. and instead of reveling in the good of me, i look for things to hate—and i am so practiced in this skill now, it is second nature.
i don’t really know how to love myself yet. in previous years, when i felt like i did love myself more, i was also actively running away from other aspects of myself—namely, the vulnerability and softness that i’m currently exploring now.
and there are days where i get so angry with myself for choosing to dive deep into my feelings, for choosing to open myself up again. i often wonder to myself: “what the hell was i thinking? i liked myself when i was alone. i liked myself when i was isolated and had no real sense of community. i liked myself when i refused to feel and wasn’t beholden to my emotions. why did i want to change that?” and i have to remind myself that i do this because i don’t want to live a life in which i have to shut down my softer side and live on the surface of myself. i have to remind myself that my life wasn’t inherently “better” when i lived like this—it was just different. i had different storms to weather. and maybe the only reason i resent my current storm is because it’s new. i’ve already weathered learning how to be on my own.
now, i choose to learn to love. love in community. and love myself.